Dear readers, welcome back to our fortnightly interview series - Empowering voices that features the lived in-depth experiences of Indian Speaking Autistics. Today, we meet Mr. Drishaan Grover, a talented young man, a linguaphile and a travel enthusiast. The poem - Whispers of the heart by Ikram A from her book - The roadtrip of life, is the poem I feel closely matches the spirit of Drishaan:
Whispers of the Heart by Ikram A
In the midst of silence, my heart is calling,
A symphony of whispers, gently enthralling,
Within their hushed secrets, I confide,
Destiny's map, in whispers, does reside.
With each tender nudge, a path unfolds,
Intuition's dance, a story untold,
Through doubts and fears, I courageously stride,
Embracing the whispers, as my trusted guide.
In this sacred connection, I find my way,
A harmonious journey, day by day,
In the whispers of my heart's decree,
I shape my heart, boundlessly free.
Welcome to my world
Q1) Please introduce yourselves to our readers.
I am Drishaan Grover, I am 27 years old. I was born in Vadodara, Gujarat. I completed some of my education from Vadodara and the rest of my education from Delhi. I have done B. Tech in Computer Science and Engineering. I have been working at SAP Ariba since 2019 as a Developer Associate.
Q2) Please share your hobbies and interests/passions with us.
I am a big fan of Disney, Pixar, Marvel, Star Wars, Avatar and Nintendo.
I like to solve Codewords.
I enjoy traveling and seeing new places.
I am a big foodie.
I like listening to music (English and Hindi Songs). I am learning to play guitar.
I like to learn languages- I can speak, read and write English, Hindi, Sanskrit, Japanese and German.
I like to do Mandala art- this helps me be mindful and focus on my present.
My passions give me a feeling of consistency in a world that is often unpredictable. They bring a lot of joy. They are a way of escaping and recharging; and regulating after meltdowns or overwhelm.
Q3) How do you cope when you’re having a bad day?
When I am having a bad day, I like to be left alone. I don’t like to be pushed to do things that I don’t want to do. At times, I have a meltdown. I am learning to redirect my anger by squeezing and releasing stress balls and taking deep breaths. Talking to my mother and sharing my worries, destresses me.
Listening to music and engaging in my passions helps me.
I regularly do meditation and yoga and go for walks. It makes me feel relaxed.
Q4) What are glimmers in your life?
Talking about my special interests and listening to my favorite songs are the glimmers in my life. After my work is over, I look forward to watching my favorite TV shows and researching about my interests. Another glimmer for me is looking at cute things and feeling soft plushies. Smell of Maggi being cooked brings me immense happiness.
Q5) When did you realize that you are autistic and how life changed once you knew you’re autistic.
I was diagnosed Autistic at the age of three along with my twin brother. My parents had gone for my twin brother’s diagnosis. I accompanied them. Lucky for me, the psychologist identified me as Autistic too. I understood more about my Autistic experiences when I watched a TV show ‘Aapki Antara.’
Education and Workplace Experiences
Q1) What are your experiences in school/college... What challenges do you face? If you’re working, please include your workplace experiences too..
School:
My parents have been very open about me being Autistic. Schools did not want to admit me due to the stereotype that exists that Autistic people have challenging behaviors. It required a lot of persuasion from my parents to get me admitted to my first school in Vadodara, from where I did my schooling till Class 2.
Due to lack of services and support that me and my twin brother required, my family shifted to Delhi. I took admission in a mainstream CBSE school near my house.
Shifting to this school was not easy for me. I had not only to adjust to a new school, the city and the house were new to me- I was alone here with my mother and sibling.
In school, I was required to learn Hindi, which was challenging. My class teacher was unfortunately also my Hindi teacher and she did not like me. She would often say unkind words that would make me sad... however, my school principal was extremely supportive.
Due to my dysgraphia, my classwork used to be incomplete and my note books would not be neat. My friendly classmates would help me complete my work.
A few teachers would ask me to write and rewrite thinking that this would improve my handwriting, but this made it worse. I would feel nervous and anxious during their class, so much that my grades in those subjects started to deteriorate.
In middle school, teachers were more accepting and appreciative of my strengths. My S.St teacher compared me to a sponge - even though I would roam around in the class, I would absorb more than other students. I enjoyed learning and Mathematics was my favorite subject.
But then again, noticing errors made by teachers made me unpopular!
Due to my slow writing, I would struggle to finish the exam paper on time. In the year 2013, when I was in Class 10; I was not considered a child with Special needs as per the law that existed. I did not get extra time and struggled a lot in board papers. Despite this I got a score of 10 CGPA
As this school was only till Class 10, we had to look for another school. One of the schools did not allow me to give admission tests for Class 11 as they saw me stimming in the waiting area. They thought I was mentally disturbed and was not ready to be schooled!!
We had to struggle to get extra time during examination from the board. They argued that when I could do in 10th, I should be able to do it again in 12th. After a lot of persuasion from my determined parents, I finally got extra time for Class 12. This helped me immensely.
One thing that continues to hurt me is that though I was good in music, acting and voice overs, I wasn’t given a chance to participate in the co-curricular activities and annual days. My teachers would also be wary of taking me on school trips/outings.
College:
At the time of admission to University, I was required to submit Physical Fitness Certificate. No doctors were willing to give this...somehow, they felt that being Autistic made me physically unfit! We had to battle for this one too.
Looking back, I feel that my time in college was like a roller coaster ride. I enjoyed Mathematics and coding but some subjects were really difficult. My teachers and other faculty members were kind and supportive.
I made many friends who helped and supported me... but when it came to group projects, I was never included in any of them, so I had to do solo projects.
During this time, I also learnt to travel independently...there were a few hiccups initially in handling money and I had to learn it the hard way (despite having a perfect score of 100 in Math!)
Employment:
The placement cell at college taught us soft skills and helped us prepare for interviews.
I am good with academics, so I have always found it easy to clear the technical round of the recruitment process...but I have always been rejected in the HR round. Even the HR team would praise my technical knowledge, but I would not get a breakthrough.
One of the big names in IT industry that had come for campus placements stated that they supported disabled individuals and we were all confident that I would get the job... however in the HR round the interviewer did not ask me any questions and handed me a toffee! They rejected me by looking at my differences from their expected response related to eye contact, handshake and gestures!
I was interviewed by SAP LABS through a skill-based assessment where I could reveal my expertise. They did not pack back-to-back interviews into one day, they scheduled them across several days to reduce my stress. I got this job and I was YAY!!!
Moving to Bangalore, living all by myself and understanding and adjusting to workplace dynamics was not easy. I was assigned a buddy in my office but due to some unavoidable circumstances, he and I could rarely meet. Most of the times, I had no one to talk with, get help or share my concerns.
Since the pandemic, I have been working from home. I have made friends with other Autistic office colleagues. We do online yoga and meditation, daily. Last December, we all went on a trip with my friends to Kerala. They understand me in ways that no one else did. They seem to ignore societal expectations of how a person should sit, talk, move, dress, and act, freeing me to do the same. They also actively appreciate parts of my personality that others find bothersome. I am so blessed to have found them!!
Q2) How do you cope with these challenges?
Being aware of my own needs, communicating them and asking for supports have helped lower some of the barriers in my life.
Managing my schedule with a proper study/ work- life balance, staying physically active, practicing relaxation techniques, getting enough sleep, and engaging in my passions all help me cope with the challenges.
Dialogues from my favourite films help me stay positive. When things are not going right, I tell myself- ‘Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...”
Q3) What accommodations (physical or changes in the mindset of people around you) would help you thrive in this scenario?
Some things that can help us thrive are as follows:
• Sensory neutral environments.
• A planner and notebook, to create a list of daily study/ work tasks.
• Provide seating or fidgets to aid focus.
• Keep things predictable and inform about changes as soon as you have information about them.
• Meet one-on-one for instructions and feedback.
• Provide flexible work arrangements
• Give time for processing.
• Give one bite at a time of complex information with pauses in between to digest each new fact.
• Flexibility from neurotypical people- please remember that we are in environments that are not suited for us.
• Neurotypical peers need to put in effort to better communicate with us.
Sensory Challenges
Q1) Please share your sensory world with us.
Since childhood, I find it painful when someone cuts my hair or nails. I find it ticklish and uncomfortable, when someone touches or hugs me. Only my mom’s hugs are tolerable. I avoid going barefoot, especially in sand or grass. I may not notice when my face or hands are messy.
Sudden noises hurt my ears.
I am able to hear conversations in the distance. It is difficult for me to cut out sounds – notably background noise - leading to difficulties in concentrating. I freeze when my brother is making sounds or there are songs being playing in the background.
Certain smells can be intense and overpowering. I cannot stand them at all.
I have poor depth perception so I find it difficult to throw and catch a ball. I easily bang into things and bump into people.
I may stand too close to others, because I cannot measure my proximity to other people and judge personal space.
I have difficulties with fine motor skills-closing and opening small buttons, opening packets and tying shoe laces is difficult.
I do not have neat writing. I find it difficult to alternate between looking at the board and my notebook.
I am unable to interpret certain bodily sensations, e.g., I do not know when my tummy is full or when I am going to explode.
I like touching soft things. I like to rock and pace. I like to push my body against the wall.
Q2) What accommodations, physical or changes in the mindset of people around you, would help you thrive?
Our sensory challenges are real. It is my sincere request to all people to not invalidate or dismiss them.
Also, please keep the environments sensory neutral.
It is very important for us to have quiet spaces in public places, to deal with our overwhelm.
To protect my senses, I am learning to avoid sensory distress. I am learning to leave sensory loud places before they get too much.
Communication Challenges
1Q) How different is your communication style from the Neurotypicals and how does it affect your daily interactions?
Talking to people when I meet them for the first time, is not easy for me. I may look away and people might feel that I am not listening to them.
As I get comfortable, I often like to talk about topics relating to my special interests.
While conversing (especially if the topic is of interest), I may speak loudly, fast and over others.
When someone gives me multiple instructions at the same time, it confuses me.
I don’t do well in groups when too many people are talking simultaneously,
I prefer clear and direct communication style. I may not understand subtle body language or facial expressions. Mixed messages confuse me. I tend to interpret statements literally, sometimes missing the additional layers of meaning tucked into sarcasm or body language. This can lead to misunderstandings.
I mostly use speech for communication. When communicating with colleagues at work, I prefer written communication as it gives me more time to think and process. Sometimes when people do not understand my point, I draw it for them or show a video/ article about the same. When I am stressed, I may not be able to access or process words. I may use phrases from my favourite films/shows to express my feelings.
2Q) How do you cope with this challenge?
I like small groups and one-on-one interactions.
I’m great at following a process when I know all the steps.
For multi-instructions, I break the instructions into steps, I do the first instruction, then I do the next instruction and so on until the instructions are done. Sometimes it helps to repeat the instructions in my mind.
To avoid misunderstandings, I make my own words as clear and direct as possible.
If I am unclear about something, I ask the person to repeat what they have said.
3Q) What accommodations would help you thrive?
Some things that might help me are:
• Using direct communication rather than inferences, hints or sideways
communication.
• Using my name before giving me an instruction helps me attend better
• State your feelings clearly, state the things you would like me to do, state the rules aloud.
• If something about me confuses you, ask me directly.
Relationships
1Q) What do you look for in your relationships? What challenges have you faced in your relationships?
I struggle with social situations, understanding social cues and subtle body language and frequently like talking about my passionate interest... I have been called odd for this. I have been weirded out for pacing or rocking.
I have never got together with friends outside of school or college. Rarely have I received phone calls from friends or have been invited to social activities/ parties.
I like to socialize on my own terms.
I want friends with whom I can share my passions.
I seek friends who accept that I might act different or need things to be explained plainly. I look for people who are willing to understand my life experiences. I have wonderful, deep friendships with people who are kind, and who value me as well as my sincerity. The people who I want in my life should be trusting, respectful and treat me as an equal.
3Q) What accommodations or changes in the mindset of people around you would help you thrive?
There is a myth that all Autistic people are loners and like to be on their own. Yes, some, maybe, just as some neurotypical people are loners. Many of us DO want friends and a social life.
We see friendship differently than others, so applying others’ definition to our friendship may not work.
I find it helpful to know the friendship status- whether or not I should connect with you or is it a hi/ bye kind of friendship.
Bullying
1Q) Have you faced bullying in school/college/workplace? Please share a few details..
In my preschool there was a kid who would everyday throw my belongings out of the window. When I was in Class 5, another child started doing this. I remember grabbing my things with one hand and punching him tight with the other hand. Thankfully, my teacher was on my side and this kid never tried it again.
One of the first times I remember another kid seriously hurting me on purpose at school was when I was 17 years old. The teacher left the room and this boy yanked me out of my seat and pushed me. I felt unbearable pain in my head as he grabbed my hair.
Perplexed, I pushed him away. He was angry for the extra time I was getting for exams.
He thought I was faking my disability! Nothing was ever done to this boy.
In college, a batchmate pushed a wrapper of a chocolate that he had eaten, into my pocket. I did not realize that he was being nasty. When several more incidents with this person happened (knocking my bag, taking my keys, whacking my earphone out), I discussed with mom and she told me that this was subtle bullying. My other friends talked to him and made him stop.
2Q) What accommodations or changes in the mindset of people around you, would help you thrive?
Education about neurodiversity in school at a very young age is paramount to reducing bullying. Neurotypical children need to be educated about Autistic behaviour and communication and this chapter needs to be refreshed again and again. Opportunities need to be created for all students to interact with each other in meaningful ways,.
It is important for parents to talk to their child about bullying- What is bullying? how does it look? And practice with them reporting a bullying incident.
Masking
1Q) Have you ever had to mask to look neurotypical? Please share your experiences..
Yes, I mask.
I try and make eye contact. I try and adjust my face and voice according to the environment I’m in. I avoid self- talk and stimming in public places. I keep away from talking about my special interests.
It is a survival strategy that I use to get myself through some uncomfortable situations.
2Q) What challenges have you faced because of masking?
Masking takes a lot of concentration and effort; it drains me of energy. It makes me feel uncomfortable and nervous as I feel I am hiding parts and cannot be myself.
Sometimes I get it wrong— I talk so softly and slow that people do not get me.
And sometimes despite my best attempt, people are able to apprehend that I’m different.
Towards a better tomorrow
1Q) Please share your message to parents of autistic children in how they can create a nurturing environment at home.
Understand that autism is part of your child. That is what makes them who they are. Accept and validate their experiences. Do not keep this information away from your child.
Make the home a low arousal sensory environment and a place of calm. Let it be a safe space for your Autistic person.
Make sure that your child knows what is going to happen (possibly with a visual chart).
Eliminate uncertainty as much as possible.
Do not overschedule social occasions.
Connect with your child- pursue activities they enjoy and find interesting.
Be patient and always be there for them.
2Q) Please share your message to therapists on how they can include neurodiversity affirming practices in their approach.
We are not puzzle pieces for you to solve. Look at us as fellow humans, not as a client to extract money or a guinea pig to practice your techniques on. Do not try to change us - we are exactly like we should be.
Do not ask for eye contact and do not make a fuss about stimming. Be understanding about our passionate interests. Do not just break our routines- they may seem nonfunctional to you but are extremely important for us. Do not try and desensitize us to painful sensory information.
Capitalise and focus on our strengths.
We are capable of making choices and decisions so do not do this for us.
3Q) Please share your thoughts on how we can work towards an inclusive and neurodiversity friendly society.
Inclusion is not just having Autistic children in inclusive schools or Autistic people at workplaces. Real inclusion is to provide support and access needs.
By having accessible public spaces and recreational activities we can work towards an inclusive and neurodiverse friendly society.
We also need to educate everyone about Autistic experiences and neurodivergence through awareness campaigns, workshops etc. to dispel common myths and misconceptions and foster greater empathy and understanding.
Thank you dear Drishaan for sharing your journey and insights with us. God bless you and may all your dreams come true!
I would love to carry forward this series as long as possible and share the insightful journeys of Indian speaking autistics. Please reach out if would like to come forward and share your journey and guide parents and therapists. My email - parentingautismindia@gmail.com
DISCLAIMER: The views expressed by the guest in this interview are their own independent opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the host and owner of the blog. Readers are advised to exercise their own discretion and seek professional advice where necessary.
